Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Democracy is an awful way to run a country, but it's the best system we have.
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I like the English. They have the most rigid code if immorality in the world.
There is no finer investment for any community than putting milk into babies.
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.
My money goes to my agent, then to my accountant and from him to the tax man.
I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.
A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.
I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Until now they have refused to do battle with us. They are just going places.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Edmonton is not the end of the world but you can certainly see it from there.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
It's Friday and I'm ready to swing. Pick up my girls and hit the party scene.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.
Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it softly.
Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
One way to make sure crime doesn't pay would be to let the government run it.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If you put it on the table as a bargaining chip, it becomes a bargaining chip
I didn't get my degree at NYU; I got it later, they gave me an honourary one.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.
Out of sight of land the sailor feels safe. It is the beach that worries him.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Playing against a defensive opponent is just as bad as making love to a tree.
Here's a six-foot-ten guy in sneakers and the lady's asking me, 'Profession?'