Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you - you're twenty minutes.
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Sanity is very rare; every man almost and every woman has a dash of madness.
You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to tell people that life's about change.
As our leader Saddam Hussein said, 'God is grilling their stomachs in hell.'
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.
My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.
The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Lets go inland and be killed.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".
Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.
If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.
Janetty tried to dive through the window to escape, what an act of cowardice.
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
There’s always an article coming out, saying, ‘The new thing is funny women!’
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully.
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.
Respect your haters. They're the only ones who think you're better than them.
I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.
I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.