Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.
Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world.
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.
I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.
My humor had changed from foolishness to making sense.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
People who can’t see without glasses should wear them.
Some things are easier to legalize than to legitimate.
I think that making love is the best form of exercise.
Improvisation is just writing in front of an audience.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to.
I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
We do not prescribe any prayer; we welcome all prayer.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
As I get older, my sense of humor is my biggest asset.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.
Comedy is the kindly contemplation of the incongruous.
People in Russia adapt to misery by a deep, deep humor.
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
Demons live in many lands, but particularly in Prussia.
My humor is my creativity, and my skepticism is a gift.
It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be.
If a thing's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well.
The great thing about America is everybody should vote.
Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.
Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.
I like men who have a future and women who have a past.