Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The masters of the comic spirit are often our prophets.
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
I don't have a disregard for my reader in humor pieces.
Your generosity is more important than your perfection.
I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation.
Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.
I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.
Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
I like friends as I like music - when I am in the mood.
How fatally the entire want of humor cripples the mind.
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.
Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
If anything is worth doing, it is worth doing it badly.
Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?
If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.
The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.
You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.
America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.
It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then.
The important question is, how many hands have I shaked?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
You've got to have a sense of humor to keep your sanity.
It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.
I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.
I am no longer a curmudgeon. I am a curmudgeon emeritus.
Humor is really laughing off a hurt, grinning at misery.
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
Irony is the gaiety of reflection and the joy of wisdom.
Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.
To be a Christian, you must pluck out the eye of reason.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
I think we should keep the grain and export the farmers.
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
These demands are not open to negotiation or discussion.
We should throw the Epistle of James out of this school.
Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.