Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
You can find humor in most things, and even terrible things.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy
Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon.
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.
The ignorant ever shun and dread the gifted and enlightened.
Force is all conquering, but it's victories are short lived.
Let me put it to you this way, I am not a revengeful person.
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
At the end of six innings of play, it's Montreal 5, Expos 3.
Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.
A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.
If I like it, I say it's mine. If I don't I say it's a fake.
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
I like bawdy humor. I love bawdy humor, but not dirty humor.
I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you want to live like a Republican, vote like a Democrat.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
This crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take a while.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Humor is a hole that lets the sawdust out of a stuffed shirt.
Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.
My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'
Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!
Academics tend to have wonderfully infantile senses of humor.
What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists.
A friend you have to buy won't be worth what you pay for him.
I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.