Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.
I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.
Sites like Funny or Die and College Humor are great, but I'd say it's appealing to 80% men and 20% women.
It's good to be able to laugh at yourself and the problems you face in life. Sense of humor can save you.
I also have picked a secretary for Housing and Human Development. Mel Martinez from the state of Florida.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
I liked the humor of it, I've always enjoyed a sense of humor in God and in religion and in spirituality.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him
Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.
At the end of my trial, I was rather hoping the judge would send me to Australia for the rest of my life.
Sure, the comedians who swear or use scatological humor can get laughs, but they're uncomfortable laughs.
I'm not one of those famous people flying round the world emoting over every catastrophe. I'm too feeble.
Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis.
The typical old-fashioned diet (in the nineteenth century) was so bad it almost assembled modern dieting.
And it really pisses Peter and Micky off when I get onto one of those tangents where I start to do humor.
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
My doctors told me this morning my blood pressure is down so low that I can start reading the newspapers.
Montefusco bare-hands it and throws him out. That grounder will make you a traveling salesman in a hurry!
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first.
At NBC I wasn't really sure if the grandparents were going to get my sense of humor on a particular topic.
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
You're not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That's not a place for me to joke around.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.
Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
Bob Dole used to be really funny. Barney Frank can be kind of funny. Bob Kerrey has a good sense of humor.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
A true sonnet goes eight lines and then takes a turn for better or worse and goes six or eight lines more.
All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
Michael Pollan is a champion. In all ways. A man of great integrity, humor, and common sense and kindness.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.