Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.
We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys
I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember.
The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.
It's our most underrated value, I think, as human beings is our sense of humor. It's how we choose our friends.
Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.
Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins.
Religious humor is not really my area, so I probably wouldn't do anything about that, or politics or something.
Putting a little time aside for clean fun and good humor is very necessary to relieve the tensions of our time.
I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
I just think we need to have a little sense of humor about yourself and just live and learn, take some chances.
With humor, it's so subjective that trying to think of what the ideal reader would think would drive you crazy.
I like a man who can be a real friend, has a good sense of humor, a good pair of shoes and a healthy gold card.
Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
My humor is a lot like Kristen Wiig's from 'Saturday Night Live' or 'Bridesmaids.' Quirky, off the beaten path.
Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.
As for the demented, I hold it certain that all beings deprived of reason are thus afflicted only by the Devil.
Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it.
I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.
If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas.
Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program.
My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.
A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'
Every nation in every region now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
I definitely need a girl that has a good sense of humor because there are some girls that are just very uptight.
The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.
Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
When humor works, it works because it's clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real.
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.