Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.
We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.
Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.
I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not funny.
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing.
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.
Philip Larkin has a tough honesty and sense of humor that I find irresistible, as a contemporary poet.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
As Governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.
And I loved Fats Waller. I love his instrumental abilities, his vocal abilities and his sense of humor.
Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again.
When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.
Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood.
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?
One of the things that's often forgotten about drug rehabilitation, it's not a destiny. It's a journey.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt...people.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I have no patience with anyone born after World War II. You have to explain everything to these people.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Robert Walker as Bruno was excellent. He had elegance and humor, and the proper fondness for his mother
Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.
Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.