Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
The fact that he relies on facts - says things that are not factual - are going to undermine his campaign.
If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
In my experience, if people don't have a sense of humor, they are usually not very good scientists, either.
Long back, I did a television show 'Gharwali Uparwali,' and it was appreciated for its light-hearted humor.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."
The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial.
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
Be fond of the man who jests at his scars, if you like; but never believe he is being on the level with you.
Humor is a huge part of the way I operate; if people can't understand a joke then they should not follow me.
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
I love dark humor that crosses the line and makes you say, 'That's so wrong!' And that's 'Family Guy' to me.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
In the 'Hurt Locker' there's a lot of me in there, a sense of humor, a man of few words and a lot of action.
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.
Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we're like Oprah and Gale. Only we're not denying anything.
The President has a wonderful sense of humor, which is one of the reasons it is so much fun to work for him.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Someone talented, comfortable in his own skin and with a great sense of humor would be sexy according to me.
I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
A lot of people say, 'Hey, God doesn't have a sense of humor.' Yes, He does. God has a great sense of humor.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Poop humor is fun. If you do the toilet scenes well and commit to them, they can be really, really powerful.
With one out in the first, Dave Roberts looks a lot better than the last time he pitched against the Padres!