Humor Quotes - Page 46

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I think that sense of humor is important in marriage. A sense of humor gets people through marriage.

I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

We take greater pains to persuade others that we are happy than in endeavoring to think so ourselves

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

If you can understand the humor in the drawing part you'll probably get the humor in the audio part.

I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children.

My stories are very somber, so I think I need the comic ingredient. Besides, life has so much humor.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.

Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Whenever you get an inflamed tendon, you've got a problem. OK, here's the next pitch to Gene Tendon.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I'm not a particularly dark individual. I have my moments, it's true, but I do have a sense of humor.

Especially the transcendental philosophy needs the leaven of humor to render it light and digestible.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

I never wanted to do observational humor because I never wanted to tell people what they were seeing.

I can't see that it's wrong to give him a little legal experience before he goes out to practice law.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

My dad was a poet. He saw the world through unique glasses, with simplicity, spirituality, and humor.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place.

You know, 'Jake 2.0' had some funny things in it; I mean, I needed my sense of humor to do that part.

Our new faith-based laws have removed government as a roadblock to people of faith who hear the call.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I maintain that some Jew wrote it who probably heard about Christian people but never encountered any.

A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.

Renko has just about had it. Pretty soon somebody will come out of the dugout with a fork and get him.

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