Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
Even as a kid I was never the generator of humor, but I always knew who was funny, who to hang out with.
When I was a child there were many witches, and they bewitched both cattle and men, especially children.
It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Robert Walker as Bruno was excellent. He had elegance and humor, and the proper fondness for his mother.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
Young Frank Pastore may have pitched the biggest victory of 1979. Maybe the biggest victory of the year!
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?
When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
I have said that the sanction regime is like Swiss cheese - that meant that they weren't very effective.
I like a very dry wit, not the big kind of humor like Robin Williams. I don't think I'm capable of that.
But if you don't watch me, I will try and sneak in some humor. I see humor everywhere in life around me.
I would have my secretary of treasury be in touch with the financial centers, not only here but at home.
A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
I want to make it clear to people that the idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is ridiculous.
I understand religion is a walk, it's a journey. And I fully recognize that I'm a sinner, just like you.
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
If you're that hypersensitive about color and don't have a sense of humor, don't marry out of your race.
I don't think there's anything to be afraid of. Failure brings great rewards - in the life of an artist.
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
When we can find some humor in our upsets, they no longer seem as large or as important as they once did.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
They want the federal government controlling the Social Security, like it's some kind of federal program.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
Since the very beginning, Emeril's had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better