Ambrose Bierce Quotes - Page 9

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The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.

INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

COMMENDATION n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles but do not equal our own.

Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

A nation that will not enforce its laws has no claim to the respect and allegiance of its people.

SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent.

WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard.

Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.

CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.

A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can't let go.

TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp."

Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.

THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science.

Epitaph: An inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.

In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your magnanimity be construed as indifference.

Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.

Electricity is the power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off the grass.

ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man's burden.

A popular writer writes about what people think. A wise writer offers them something to think about.

It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.

Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.

Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.

Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns.

MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner.

DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.

LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.

CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.

Finance is the art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager

Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.

RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.

BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.

PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.

OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy.

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