Quotes by Gary Gulman - Page 1

Without my family, I'd be something.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Family
My Family
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Don't go back over your life with a red pen.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Over You
Pens
Red
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I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Hate
Nickels
Quarters
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I think everything contributes to your creativity.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Creativity
Thinking
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When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Gay
Party
Sweaters
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I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Certain
Games
Thinking
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I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
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Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Cookies
Sugar
Sugar Cookies
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Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Asking
Common
People
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There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow more precious than a pot of gold.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Gold
Kissing
Rainbow
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If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Microwaves
Pops
Trying
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I just always wonder if I'm too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Obsessive
Trying
Wonder
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As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Teacher
Charlie
Children
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I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Boston
Catholic
College
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Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Meals
People
Squares
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The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Coffee
Keys
Paper
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Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Guitar
Gypsy
Talent
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If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
War
Stars
Years
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Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Kids
Pull Ups
Records
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What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Different
Needs
Way
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Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Growing
Usual
Watches
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The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Buttons
Invention
Popcorn
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The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Devil
Ears
Quarters
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No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Halloween
Religious
Years
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It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
People
Real
Thinking
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Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Als
Iraq
Ironic
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The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Hobbies
Loneliness
Nerd
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I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Christian
Couple
Party
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I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Dad
Born
Growing Up
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I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It's surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Comedian
People
Thinking
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I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I'm at the top of my game.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Crowds
Games
Shining
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I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Games
Thinking
Years
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I've always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Politics
Events
Thinking
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It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Careers
Make Or Break
Tonight
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Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Running
Hate
Mean
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I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Brother
Strangers And Friends
Years
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With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It's remarkable.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Athlete
Basketball
Night
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I think the biggest challenge I have faced is that I have struggled most of my life with often crippling depression which has sometimes if not keeping me off stage kept me from writing regularly and with any kind of confidence.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Confidence
Smile
Challenges
Thinking
Writing
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Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Fun
Long
Night
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My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it's like he's spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Brother
People
Thinking
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For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Records
Writing
Years
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Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you're going? I don't even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard... Some people slow down at those things... I don't slow down. I speed up and set the high score.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Attention
Dashboards
People
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The other thing is that I'm a pretty moody guy, but no one really wants to see a normal-looking guy complain about things or talk about being unhappy. That's hard. Most people are like, 'Well, you have all your hair and you're tall, so why are you unhappy?' That can be limiting.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Guy
Hair
People
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I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Fall
Night
Sleep
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There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you're talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they're supposed to prevent, that's like the hackiest joke out there now. If you're still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Drug
Talking
Way
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Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.
Gary Gulman / Stand-Up Comedian
Ideas
Swings
Underwear
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Gary Gulman Quotes - Page 1

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