Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
It's grueling never knowing if the audience is going to think you're funny. It's soul-destroying when they don't laugh.
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Give an average baby a fair chance, and if it doesn't do something it oughtn't to a doctor should be called in at once.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
How is the world ruled and led to war? Diplomats lie to journalists and believe these lies when they see them in print.
For what we think and feel and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and our viscera.
What is time to a water rat? What is time to the river? Only we humans obsess over days and minutes, hours and seasons.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Guitarists should be able to pick up the guitar and play music on it for an hour, without a rhythm section or anything.
Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The record does not show that Adam and Eve were ever married.
The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend their time in making nets, not in making cages.
I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.
I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
Reality is like a doughnut: Everything that is good and funny and juicy is outside the center, which is just emptiness.
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
With respect to the situation in Al-Faw, the British told big lies. In Al-Faw, our forces' positions remained in place.
Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
The same people who never did their homework in high school are still doing that to this very day out in the real world.
Sailing is just the bottom line, like adding up the score in bridge. My real interest is in the tremendous game of life.
If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot.
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."
I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I love being a dad, it keeps me fit and inspired and children are so funny. They always supply you with acting material!
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.