Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
More and more of our imports are coming from overseas
Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
I don't hate women - they just sometimes make me mad.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Love is photogenic. It needs darkness room to develop
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo.
If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh.
The days pass happily with me wherever my ship sails.
No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.
God is at home, it's we who have gone out for a walk.
Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.
I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.
The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find.
There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be.
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
He [Steve McQueen] must have made that before he died.
Design has taken the place of what sailing used to be.
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.
Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
If you don't know how to live, why wonder about death?
I don't want to be rich and I don't want to be famous.
The secret of a successful restaurant is sharp knives.
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.
A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.
Now go back to Supercuts and get your $5 back jabroni!
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
Money enhances a man, yes, as beauty enhances a woman.
Humor is... despair refusing to take itself seriously.
Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.
The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.