Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I watch things that are fun, or funny, or interesting.
Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Even when you are not playing you are holding me back.
The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.
I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.
No orator can top the one who can give good nicknames.
Death is an awful thing. I don't believe in it myself.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.
I would have taught her a lesson she wouldn't forget!
Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
Comedy is the kindly contemplation of the incongruous.
I only know how to play two ways: reckless and abandon.
Obviously I was either onto something, or on something.
Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists.
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
My shoes are size 2 and a 1/2, the same size as my feet
Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts longer.
Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.
I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be.
A great way to learn about your country is to leave it.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a thing's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well.
He that lieth down with Dogs, shall rise up with Fleas.
Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.
It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.
And with alphabetical irony Nigeria follows New Zealand
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
In order to be a realist, you must believe in miracles.
I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.
Ignorance of the law excuses no man from practicing it.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?