Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.
He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light.
Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
Every word she writes is a lie, including "and" and "the."
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.
I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose.
One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
If you don't dissagree with me, how will I know I'm right?
Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I guess what I always found funny was the human condition.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."
It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If ever an error had "F" written on it, that grounder did.
It has to come from a truthful place in order to be funny.
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
A human being: an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
The ex-left-hander Dave Roberts will be going for Houston.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it.
Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.