Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.
With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.
Lawyers spend their professional careers shoveling smoke.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Until God opens the next door, praise Him in the hallway.
Softball is what old men play to try to feel young again.
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.
Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important.
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.
The only time to buy these is on a day with no 'y' in it.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.
Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.
Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
If you want him to mourn, you had best leave him nothing.
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Life is something that everyone should try at least once.
Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.
Why should i go to his funeral? He ain't comming to mine.
He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
Everything you add to the truth subtracts from the truth.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
I wouldn't mind dying for France, but not for Air France.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!
Sometimes I think what I write is funny in its quiet way.
Every rascal is not a thief, but every thief is a rascal.
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Thankfully, perseverance is a good substitute for talent.
We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.
Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.