Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
My weaknesses have always been food and men - in that order.
To you who have never died, may I say: Welcome to the world!
What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy
Say, it's only a paper moon, / Sailing over a cardboard sea.
Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
On my gravestone, I want it to say, "I told you I was sick."
Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion.
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
Most people fail in life because they major in minor things.
I always approach comedy roles pretending they aren't funny.
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
History repeats itself, the first as tragedy, then as farce.
At the end of six innings of play, it's Montreal 5, Expos 3.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
I think I'm funny because my family, my siblings were funny.
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
Unless I am very much mistaken...I AM very much mistaken...!
Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.
I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well - almost.
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
In the factory we make cosmetics. In the store we sell hope.
Every tooth in a man's head is more valuable than a diamond.
The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.
A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
My favorite place in the morning is in the shower with Eric.
A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.
Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.