Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
There is nothing which at once affects a man so much and so little as his own death.
Man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait long time for roast duck to drop in.
I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.
Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn't get there as fast.
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.
Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.
I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.
Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
I can never tell when something is funny. I just have to do it onstage and find out.
There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny.
John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties.
Three fishers went sailing away to the west,/ Away to the west as the sun went down.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.
What medicines do not heal, the lance will; what the lance does not heal, fire will.
A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge
Afraid of death? Not at all. Be a great relief. Then I wouldn't have to talk to you.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.
Young men want to be faithful, and are not. Old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.
Now listen, guuuyyysss! Come on guys. Let's all, come on, let's be simple about this.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?" All the time.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.
Earth is here so kind, that just tickle her with a hoe and she laughs with a harvest.
I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.
Ambition may be defined as the willingness to receive any number of hits on the nose.
Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.