Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
Humor can inform and break down stigma, which is a huge issue in the military.
I think the scariest person in the world is the person with no sense of humor.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
I have wit in my work and a sense of humor, but I do not use irony in any way.
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
I want to help people, give hope to all. Humor is the foundation of our lives.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4.
I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness.
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
If the blood humor is too strong and robust, calm it with balance and harmony.
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'
I know what people like, and fortunately they seem to share my sense of humor.
Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he's so unpredictable.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Of all states that understands local control of schools, Iowa is such a state.
If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?
Of all the band of personal traitors the sense of humor is the most dangerous.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Sometimes big trees grow out of acorns - I think I heard that from a squirrel.
I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Humor is everywhere in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.
If somebody is not on the same page with me humor wise, I can't give them that.
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.
The early bird may get the worm, but its the second mouse that gets the cheese.
The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.