Humor Quotes - Page 45

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We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

It is the saying of an ancient sage that humor was the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor.

Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

I think there's always room for humor, especially when you're talking about really serious issues.

When people are in the midst of really heavy stuff and still have a sense of humor, I admire that.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

This is what I'm good at. I like meeting people, my fellow citizens, I like interfacing with them.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.

Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that Humour excites in those who lack it.

If there's anything I hate it's the word humorist-I feel like countering with the word seriousist.

I don't think my sense of humor has changed at all; I was born with this, for better or for worse.

For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger.

The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.

It never seems to occur to some people, that, like beauty, a sense of humor may sometimes be fatal.

I believe that economists put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor.

Dubya! What in Tarnation!? Why, I'll tan yer hide fer this!So, what's sex like after fifty, anyway?

Art Modell was a visionary, a deal-maker and a friend. And he possessed a marvelous sense of humor.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

It's easier to sit there and say you don't like feminists because they don't have a sense of humor.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her.

Nothing in man is more serious than his sense of humor; it is the sign that he wants all the truth.

Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Happiness is like coke — something you get as a by-product in the process of making something else.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Men's happiness and misery depends altogether as much upon their own humor as it does upon fortune.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.

Even in the middle of tragedy, we find moments of humor, moments of tenderness, of simple happiness.

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.

I haven't had a chance to talk, but I'm confident we'll get a bill that I can live with if we don't.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

Who thinks the law has anything to do with justice? It's what we have because we can't have justice.

Men love it. They have a sense of humor, whereas a lot of women are threatened or just don't get it.

If you can understand the humor in the drawing part you'll probably get the humor in the audio part.

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