Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The days of discriminating against religious institutions simply because they are religious must come to an end.
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.
The most profound indication of social malignancy ... no sense of humor. None of the monoliths could take a joke.
To stimulate creativity one must develop childlike inclination for play and the childlike desire for recognition.
I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question.
I think that the anti-Microsoft sentiment is simply due to their having been so successful selling a lot of crap.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
it's dreadful when two people's senses of humor are antagonistic. I don't believe there's any bridging that gulf!
The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
So my humor, I'd say, comes from a mixture of lowbrow comedy shows and highbrow theater. It's an interesting mix.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the forth for my enemies.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.
A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.
I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
You saw the president yesterday. I thought he was very forward-leaning, as they say in diplomatic nuanced circles.
I just like playing interesting, complex, complicated characters. I like films that also have an element of humor.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
Sometimes the only way to make palatable that which is appalling and apprehensive is to season it with some humor.
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
There is nothing like a gleam of humor to reassure you that a fellow human being is ticking inside a strange face.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
It's funny - there's nothing that stops you laughing like the sight of other people laughing about something else.
If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
But, as my mother used to tell me, two wrongs don't make a right. But I soon figured out that three left turns do.
It's always amazed me how little attention philosophers, psychologists, or anyone else actually has paid to humor.
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.