I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.

God has a brown voice, as soft and full as beer.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.

Always obey your parents - when they are present.

There are more old drunkards than old physicians.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

If at first you don't succeed, take the tax loss.

Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.

For four years we've been cooperating exhaustively

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

A dollar won is twice as sweet as a dollar earned.

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.

This act will leave a moral blot on his presidency

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

We will reduce the White House staff by 25 percent

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

Give God the margin of eternity to justify himself.

Being seventy is not a sin. It's not a joy, either.

I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.

All of us knew he was a snake when we voted for him

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd.

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