Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge.
The clever men of Oxford, know all that there is to be knowed but they none of them know one half as much as intelligent Mr. Toad.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Those who want to row on the ocean of human knowledge do not get far, and the storm drives those out of their course who set sail.
And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4.
Looking scary with a baseball outfit on and a little bouffant, you know, it just does not work. Especially with sculpted eyebrows.
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'
I can at any moment convert my time into money, but I do not require more of the latter than is sufficient for necessary purposes.
Parrots, tortoises and redwoods live a longer life than men do; Men a longer life than dogs do; Dogs a longer life than love does.
Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.
I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil.
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Rally points scoring is twenty for the fastest, eighteen for the second fastest, right down to six points for the slowest fastest.
Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
Money is like love; it kills slowly and painfully the one who withholds it, and enlivens the other who turns it on his fellow man.
I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.
Middle Age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, 'Why not?' and the other, 'Why bother?'
Being a solo artist in general can be incredibly lonely. It's funny how often the bigger you get sometimes, the lonelier you feel.
Tell Ray to put the eyeliner, the lipstick and the high heels away. I'm not saying he's a cross-dresser, that's just what I heard.
Better a loving single-parent family than a 'conventional' family where the parents hate each other and the father is a demagogue.
You have to give 100 percent in the first half of the game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you have to give what's left.
There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
A kiss, when all is said, what is it? A rosy dot placed on the 'I' in loving; Tis a secret told to the mouth instead of to the ear.
Most people are willing to take the Sermon on the Mount as a flag to sail under, but few will use it as a rudder by which to steer.
A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime.
I remember when I got my first Adam Sandler CD and it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my entire life, and continues to be.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.
I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
Sex is Number 1 of my Top-10 joys in retirement. Number 2 is reading How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free. I forgot the other eight.
Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
Kids cannot follow stories. They don't know what the hell is going on in a cartoon. They like to see funny visual things happening.
The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!' 'However,' replied the universe. 'The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation.
I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the language as it is if you do.
I do find comedy difficult. I don't know why. Maybe I think about it too much. There's a tremendous amount of pressure to be funny.