Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
Had your forefathers, Wigglesworth, been as stupid as you are, the human race would never have succeeded in procreating itself.
There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!
For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . .
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.
I'm quite sarcastic, and I'm funny, but not kind of funny. It's a weird funny, and some people don't get me, and some people do.
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
And then all of a sudden, you're doing jumping jacks, you're happy, because Kane can talk. The Big Red Retard can finally speak.
I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
I'm about being funny. If I can make a joke using profanity, I will. But for the most part, that can get awfully old and boring.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'
Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
We can't play stupid hockey, dumb hockey, greedy hockey, selfish hockey. We have to put the team ahead of our personal feelings.
Sometimes two people stay together for the sake of the kids - two kids who sat under a full moon and pledged to be forever true.
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
We're [parents]) always bluffing, pretending we know best, when most of the time we're just praying we won't screw up too badly.
A cause may be inconvenient, but it's magnificent. It's like champagne or high heels, and one must be prepared to suffer for it.
Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.
I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
The British are apt to make merits of their stupidities, and to represent their various incapacities as points of good breeding.
It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and our air force has to have a bake-sale to buy a bomber.
What does politically correct mean? If you're fat, don't ask me if you're fat, because I'm gonna tell you the truth. You're fat.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.
The Art of Conversation could not die in Australia; it never lived. Television did not kill it; there was nothing there to kill.
Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Men go back to the mountains, as they go back to sailing ships at sea, because in the mountains and on the sea they must face up.