Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.
They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of fame is the loss of privacy.
I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.
The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations.
It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid.
I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just play them really badly.
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.
If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.
The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush.
America has become so tense and nervous it has been years since I have seen anyone sleep in church - and that is a sad situation.
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because that's the kind of guy he is.
I think that the Iraqi ground defenses shot down dozens of missiles. We are in the process of counting all these missiles quickly
The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.
I made stupid decisions as a kid, or as a young adult, but I'm trying to be now, I'm trying to take this lemon and make lemonade.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
We are too civil to books. For a few golden sentences we will turn over and actually read a volume of four or five hundred pages.
Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.
One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.
Opera is like a husband with a foreign title: expensive to support, hard to understand, and therefore a supreme social challenge.
Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said."
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast.
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
My favorite show is America's Funniest Home Videos. People will get hit on the head and I feel bad cause I'm laughing my head off!
Stripped of ethical rationalizations and philosophical pretensions, a crime is anything that a group in power chooses to prohibit.
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
I can't tell you how much we laughed on the set to have Alec Guinness in a scene with a big, furry dog that's flying a space ship.
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
I miss New York. I still love how people talk to you on the street - just assault you and tell you what they think of your jacket.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.