Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
My favorite lie was the online rumor that Bruce Willis was my uncle. That's hilarious.
I happen to think singing is hilarious, especially when it pops out at the wrong time.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.
I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.
Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
You don't even have to be a lawyer to be on the Supreme Court, which I think is hilarious.
If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”
I'm completely obsessed with Andrew Smith's 'Winger.' A great, hilarious, and moving story.
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
If I can surround myself with hilarious people every day, I will always want to go to work.
A lot of people don't think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it's hilarious!
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
Google "brooklyn writer" and you'll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
If someone made fun of me, I'd be bummed out. But I'd play it like I thought it was hilarious.
I personally would love to see Harold and Kumar with children. I think that would be hilarious.
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
It's a shame - we've got so many hilarious women, and think there's a certain repression there.
The odd things that people say to you are so much more hilarious than what you can come up with.
I'd love to do a project that falls between drama and comedy - a dramedy with hilarious moments.
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
I love 'Modern Family.' I like Gloria. Sofia Vergara, her character. She's fun. She's hilarious.
I would love to work with Kristin Wiig one day. I find her hilarious, and I totally idolize her.
It was like hiking into a Hemingway story; everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.
Shooting the webisodes was hilarious. It was at the very, very end of 'Battlestar' as we know it.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Bryant Gumbel's ego has applied for statehood. And if it's accepted, it will be the fifth-largest.
I think it's funny when people, they try to imitate the 'Chandelier' video. I think it's hilarious.
The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.
Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
People say women shouldn't have long hair over a certain age, but I've never done what everyone says.
It's hilarious; every time I get to a new city, I'll have a thousand DMs about where to get pancakes.
I would love to work with Ryan Reynolds - I think he is hilarious and talented - and also Seth Rogen.