Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Liberty, like chastity, once lost, can never be regained in its original purity.
Humor is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.
If a girl doesn't have a sense of humor, then what would you have to talk about?
Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God.
You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
DeShaies is like a clock out there. Every other pitch goes one way or the other.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Being sued by your own record company, that's even better than receiving a Grammy
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
I almost feel like throwing Jimmy into the stove, as the priest in Kulenberg did.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they're going to stay that way.
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
You never realize a dog is a man's best friend until you start betting on horses.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Sometimes I make myself laugh, but that's because I appreciate my sense of humor.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
A truly comic, invented world must live at the same time as the world we live in.
Insult is powerful. Insult begets both rage and humor and often at the same time.
The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.
If it was easy, everyone would be doing it, and you wouldn't have an opportunity.
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
My mother was very funny. My dad had a great sense of humor. My grandmother, too.
If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
A sense of humor saves your life, and being able to make friends wherever you go.
The reason we want to go on and on is because we live in an impoverished present.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.
The Cards lead the Dodgers 4-2 after one inning and that one hasn't even started.
Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
I've learned to have a sense of humor about myself. Lord knows everyone else does!