Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge.
The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember.
I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
What I want to do is to make people laugh so that they'll see things seriously.
We enact many laws that manufacture criminals, and then a few that punish them.
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
I have a good sense of humor. I think everything we do should have whimsy in it.
Humor is falling downstairs if you do it in the act of telling your wife not to.
I find intelligence sexy. I find a sense of humor sexy. I find sensitivity sexy.
Do I think faith will be an important part of being a good president? Yes, I do.
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I am on the right wing of the middle of the road and with a strong radical bias.
Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens.
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
I don't understand how somebody wouldn't have a sense of humor about themselves.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
I was born with a mother who loved me unconditionally and with a sense of humor.