Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and it holds the world together.
I don't really dissect comedy. Nothing kills off humor more than overanalyzing it.
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke-and that the joke is oneself.
Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
One evening I sat Beauty on my knees – And I found her bitter – And I reviled her.
I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike.
I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
I don't mean he missed him, but he just didn't get him when he put the tag on him.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
People who know me know I have a sense of humor that can really push the envelope.
I have the humor of a 9-year-old boy, and sometimes I've had laughing fits on-air.
The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
There's been shock waves sent throughout all parts of the nation's economic fabric.
What shall we do with...the Jews?...their homes also should be razed and destroyed.
Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done.
Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.
Experimenting with drugs is like target practice where your head is the bull's-eye.
Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.
My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.
I think humor is important for all of us, and a great comedian is a great treasure.
Sense of humor: A thread of illuminated intelligence that links two opposite ideas.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.
Ann and I will carry out this equivocal message to the world: Markets must be open.
Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
The humorist has a good eye for the humbug; he does not always recognize the saint.