Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Being famous is complete luck, and that's something you can't bank on.
I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.
You can always tell when someone's lying to you, because they're male.
I'd like to have a boyfriend in prison so I'd always know where he is.
I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.
Anyone who wants to run has to be a Jimmy Swaggart, minus the default.
I do seem like the kind of guy who'd be obsessive about Rubik's Cubes.
Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
Even IBM can't stand in the way of progress... for more than a decade.
I could live on challah bread, the Jewish kosher bread, quite happily.
There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.
Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
I've done 10 or 11 pilots for network television, which is ridiculous.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.
Ah, Feminism in the nineties, what a What is yours what is mine field.
The most difficult thing to get people to do is to accept the obvious.
Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?
Ed, I see you're out drinking again. What's the occasion? I was sober.
If you have a boat and a happy marriage, you don't need another thing.
What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.
I liked doing live things, and with the Circus we had a live audience.
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
I want to be a part of a vibrant culture and have a more open culture.
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.
If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
An animal has to suffer for us old-school Latinos to get what we want.
No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
My philosophy, like color television, is all there in black and white.
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip
I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another tax bracket.
When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
I spent the first 25 years of my life not knowing what I wanted to do.