Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Charlie Chaplin's genius was in comedy. He has no sense of humor, particularly about himself.
Do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable or am I miserable because listen to pop music?
We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.
Germany are a very difficult team to play... they have eleven internationals out there today.
If a man writes a book, let him set down only what he knows. I have guesses enough of my own.
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart.
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn't climb over it.
Yes. I guess it's the foolish romantic in me, but you see, I don’t think that sex is my Muse.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.
When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around.
Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached.
My advice to any diplomat who wants to have good press is to have two or three kids and a dog.
He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62.
I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.
Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.
The body, she says, is subject to the force of gravity. But the soul is ruled by levity, pure.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
Let me explain what I do here. I don't want to confuse you any more than absolutely necessary.
years ago we would have been burned for this. Now what I am suggesting is that we've advanced.
He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.
As a cabin boy on a Norwegian sailing ship I earned five kronen a week in addition to my keep.
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)