Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.
I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.
Earth is here so kind, that just tickle her with a hoe and she laughs with a harvest.
I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.
You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.
People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Much of the best humor is found in the frequently tragic reality of human experience.
My dad had a great sense of humor; he was a very funny guy and did know how to laugh.
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
Advice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than grave teaching.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
There's plenty of room for humor in politics, God knows, but it's a serious business.
Manners are a way of getting what you want without appearing to be an absolute swine.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration.
I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."
One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter.
My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
It's more difficult getting up early in the morning when you're wearing silk pajamas.
I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny.
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
We're fighting people that hates our values, they can't stand what America stands for.
Humor expands our limited picture frame and gets us to see more than just our problem.
If you are a small company taking on a big company, you need to have a sense of humor.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
If Pete Rose brings the Reds in first, they ought to bronze him and put him in cement.