Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
The people in New York - their humor is on a level that goes, uh, very deep, you know?
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.
Enos Cabell started out here with the Astros, and before that he was with the Orioles.
I think it would be hard to go the distance in this business without a sense of humor.
There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it.
I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!'
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!
I want someone who can keep me on my toes, has a good sense of humor and a good heart.
Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
Indonesian people don't get satire; that's the thing. There's no thought in our humor.
Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.
Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?
We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow. Our wiser sons, no doubt will think us so.
The best things in life must come by effort from within, not by gifts from the outside.
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature
We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them...
This is probably as bad a day as the court has had on social issues since Roe vs. Wade.
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
I don't think it's possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.
The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language.
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Sometimes it takes ten seconds to see some humor in your dilemmas, sometimes ten years.
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Ozzie makes a leaping, diving stop, shovels to Fernando and everybody drops everything.
Bands from Akron have a sense of humor and don't tend to take themselves too seriously.
Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure.
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.