Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it.
I've had a very laughable career and what has seen me through is my sense of humor.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
Americans are pragmatic, relatively uncomplicated, hearty and given to broad humor.
The point is, this is a way to help inoculate me about what has come and is coming.
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
In our most desperate times, people going through true hardships use humor to cope.
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
Throw in the humor, throw in that personality, try things you wouldn't normally try.
A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about.
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.
The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten
Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.
Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.
We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!
Married people should not be quick to hear what is said by either when in ill humor.
I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
Reggie Smith of the Dodgers and Gary Matthews of the homers hit Braves in that game.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number.
My type of humor is me not caring whether people know what I'm talking about or not.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.
If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.