Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The total absence of humor from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature.
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.
When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.
We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God's side.
You can always rely on America to do the right thing -- once it has exhausted the alternatives.
I do talk about celebrity relationships like Kim Kardashian's. I like to find the humor in love.
I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.
Humor, warm and all-embracing as the sunshine, bathes its objects in a genial and abiding light.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.
There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor.
Fun is going to enhance interest, because people don't feel incompetent when they're having fun.
It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.
Together, we will reclaim America's schools, before ignorance and apathy claim more young lives.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
We know, on the authority of Moses, that longer than six thousand years the world did not exist.
Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes you'll know you're dead.
From the way Denny's shaking his head, he's either got an injured shoulder or a gnat in his eye.
We will take almost any kind of criticism except the observation that we have no sense of humor.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.