Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
True wealth is not what you have, it's what you're left with with when all you have is gone.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.
I could not tread these perilous paths in safety, if I did not keep a saving sense of humor.
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!
When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.
Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.
Sometimes, I use humor because I believe in revealing truth in a way that other forms cannot.
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
Sometimes the only way to deal with horrific things in life is through a dark sense of humor.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
The essence of humor is sensibility; warm, tender fellow-feeling with all forms of existence.
For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).
Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?
Any man who has had the job I've had and didn't have a sense of humor wouldn't still be here.
I wasn't shy, but I was really hyper. Nobody got my sense of humor. I was a black skater kid.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one's bottom.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
It's weird doing red carpets; it's uncomfortable. But you can have a sense of humor about it.
How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?
After all, when a thought takes one's breath away, a lesson on grammar seems an impertinence.
I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.
Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.
In my opinion MS is a lot better at making money than it is at making good operating systems.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Charlie Chaplin's genius was in comedy. He has no sense of humor, particularly about himself.
Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
I don't think that witchcraft is a religion. I wish the military would rethink this decision.
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!