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Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.
I want everything I do to have humor in it, because it seems to me that all of life has that.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.
When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around.
Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
There's a certain kind of guy, a certain kind of humor, that goes with Irish cops and firemen.
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.
Sense of humor is important in life, not just in clothing. How boring to live a life in beige.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.
I have never believed much in luck, and my sense of humor has tended to walk on the dark side.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin.
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders.
Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.
I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well.
The schizophrenic has no sense of humor. His world is a constantly daunting, unfriendly place.
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
I don't think I would describe my sense of humor. Doesn't sound like the kind of thing I'd do.
I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live.
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
You know, I'm Australian, and we have got the worst sense of humor. We are cruel to each other.
The winds are nothing else but good or bad spirits. Hark! how the Devil is puffing and blowing.