Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.
I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.
'Tis a superstition to insist on a special diet. All is made at last of the same chemical atoms.
Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.
You may not be able to change a situation, but with humor you can change your attitude about it.
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
The sad thing about artificial intelligence is that it lacks artifice and therefore intelligence.
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
Drop the question of what tomorrow may bring, and count as profit every day that Fate allows you.
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
The sense of humor has other things to do than to make itself conspicuous in the act of laughter.
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
Beauty is an outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused.
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
We should fund the armies of compassion, we should not discriminate against faith-based programs.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship.
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic.
Laws and institutions, like clocks, must occasionally be cleaned, wound up, and set to true time.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
You didn't have to say it was gone. It was gone before it got outta here. It was going that fast.
As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked.
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.
Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.
Our bodies are always exposed to Satan. The maladies I suffer are not natural, but Devil's spells.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.
The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.
Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
If I rescued a child from drowning, the press would no doubt headline the story: 'Benn grabs child
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.