Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it.
Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing.
An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.
Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.
Your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of a guillotine.
I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.
I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got married.
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.
Love sucks. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it's just another way to bleed.
An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone to look up to.
If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
The Englishman who has lost his fortune is said to have died of a broken heart.
Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.
I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.
Marriage is meant to be more about your surrender than about your satisfaction.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea, and that was wrong.
If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.
The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of character.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
The freedom of any society varies proportionately with the volume of its laughter.
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.