Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A married woman is a slave you must know how to seat upon a throne.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.
I am sarcastic and dry, but I also have a pretty huge zest for life.
He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.
I have only one ambition left: I should like to have a good epitaph.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease.
Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.
She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig.
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes.
Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.
Science can never solve one problem without raising ten more problems.
No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most.
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!
Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions.
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
To live as one likes is plebian the noble man aspires to order and law.
My mother was sarcastic and delightful and, trust me, quite remarkable.
Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy.
I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures.
It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.