Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
My idea of 'roughing it' is when you have to have an extension for your electric blanket.
not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.
Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.
What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?
I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.
I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.
Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.
My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.
No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.
A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.