Quotes by Maria Bamford - Page 2

I was raised in Duluth, Minnesota, where you never say that you're cold, or that you're suffering, and you listen politely to people, even if you disagree with them completely. Then you say passive-aggressive things later.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Cold
Disagree
Minnesota
Politely
Copy Quote
I am a wild orchid of comedy, so I can only do well under specific conditions... There are people who I think can do any room, and do stadiums and thousand-seat theaters, and then there are people like me who just perform for my parents.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Conditions
Stadiums
I Am Me Parents
Perform
Wild
Me I Am People
Specific
Theaters
Copy Quote
I thought that when you have more success that you'd feel more buoyed or feel more confident. But in fact my brain has the gift of switching it around and saying, 'Now people are expecting something. Now you're really going to let people down.'
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Expecting
Switching
Confident
Copy Quote
If you're ever if you're ever thinking, “Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile?
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Family
Inspirational
Distance
Positive Thinking
Copy Quote
I've learned from my pets that it's okay to sit around, and people don't love you any less if you sit around all the time. In fact they might love you more, 'cos they always know where you're always going to be: you're always going to be laying in bed.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Bed
Okay
Love Time People
Love Time Always
Pets
Copy Quote
My dad has some depressive issues, and he's really tough on himself. So sometimes he can say things that are not super supportive. Like once I did a set, and he says, 'Sheesh, no wonder you're still single.' I was like, 'Eight ball, corner pocket, dad.'
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Depressive
Eight
Supportive
Wonder
Corner
No Wonder
Pocket
Super
Copy Quote
My mom always does this thing where, the closer I get to home, the more she calls. 'Hey, listen, how's your plane? Did you land? Are you landing? Sweetie. Listen. We want to... ' The anxiety amps up exponentially as I get closer, and then I can't get out fast enough.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Hey
Landing
Mom Home Always
Calls
Home Mom Always
Closer
Fast
Exponentially
Plane
Copy Quote
My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Mom
Religious
Thinking
Copy Quote
In my stand up, I think I try to be less energetic because I feel embarrassed about how much enthusiasm I have. There's something about acting like I don't care, or if I act like I haven't spent enough time on it, it seems to go better. If I act like I'm really trying to sell it, it doesn't go as well.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Don't Care
Embarrassed
Energetic
Enough Time
Enthusiasm
Stand Up
Copy Quote
There's a reason I'm a stand-up comedian. I think there may be some laziness inherent in that job. It's the four-hour work week, on some level. I mean, I work at it, but it's not that kind of... it's just not the hours at all. So I was extremely grateful for the job. It was super, super fun, and I'm surprised that I made it.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Fun
Grateful
Mean
Copy Quote
I love festivals because they seem like more of an artsy, supportive attitude - which benefits a more theatrical performer sometimes with having theater and other non-club venues, as well as the audience being filled with other artists. It's nice to be with other comics, as usually at other road gigs, I'm solo for the most part.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Attitude
Artist
Audience
Benefits
Festivals
Filled
Gigs
Nice
Solo
Supportive
Theater
Theatrical
Venues
Artists
Comics
Performer
Road
Seem
Copy Quote
In L.A., a lot of comics live here, but we don't get to spend that much time together because we've got to drive 45 minutes home, or do another set. So in San Francisco we can hang out, go for dinner - the community aspect of it is really lovely, as well as seeing people's shows that you don't normally get to see a longer version of.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Home
Aspect
Dinner
Lovely
People
San Francisco
Time Home Together
Version
Francisco
Hang
Normally
San
Copy Quote
I think taking vacations and turning off the phone and only doing emails or social media for a specific short amount of time helps with work/life balance. If I'm checking it all day I start to feel cuckoo-bird. So I just do it once or twice a day instead of a thousand. And then remembering that it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Vacation
Just Do It
Media
Phones
Social Media
Thinking
Thousand
Twice
All Day
Turning
Checking
Phone
Emails
Remembering
Twice A Day
Vacations
Copy Quote
I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.
Maria Bamford / Comedian
Relationship
Kissing
Shopping
Copy Quote

Related Comedian Authors

Steven Wright
Comedian
Tuesday, Dec 06, 1955
Rodney Dangerfield
Comedian
Tuesday, Nov 22, 1921
Tuesday, Oct 05, 2004
Zach Anner
Comedian
Saturday, Nov 17, 1984
Yakov Smirnoff
Comedian
Wednesday, Jan 24, 1951
Winston Spear
Comedian
Will Ferrell
Comedian
Sunday, Jul 16, 1967
Will Durst
Comedian
Tuesday, Mar 18, 1952
Wil Anderson
Comedian
Thursday, Jan 31, 1974
Whoopi Goldberg
Comedian
Sunday, Nov 13, 1955
Whitney Cummings
Comedian
Saturday, Sep 04, 1982
Wendy Liebman
Comedian
Monday, Feb 27, 1961
Warren Hutcherson
Comedian
Thursday, Oct 31, 1963
Wanda Sykes
Comedian
Saturday, Mar 07, 1964
Wally Cox
Comedian
Saturday, Dec 06, 1924
Thursday, Feb 15, 1973
W. C. Fields
Comedian
Thursday, Jan 29, 1880
Wednesday, Dec 25, 1946

View All Comedian Quotes

Top Authors

Walt Disney
Animator
Thursday, Dec 05, 1901
Thursday, Dec 15, 1966
John Muir
Author
Saturday, Apr 21, 1838
Thursday, Dec 24, 1914
Stephen Hawking
Physicist
Thursday, Jan 08, 1942
Sun Tzu
Strategist
Thursday, Jan 01, 1970
Thursday, Jan 01, 1970
Pope Francis
Thursday, Dec 17, 1936
Mae West
Actress
Thursday, Aug 17, 1893
Saturday, Nov 22, 1980
Socrates
Philosopher
Thursday, Jan 01, 1970
Thursday, Jan 01, 1970
Winston Churchill
Former Prime Minister Of The United Kingdom
Monday, Nov 30, 1874
Sunday, Jan 24, 1965
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
Writer
Thursday, Aug 28, 1749
Thursday, Mar 22, 1832
Thomas Aquinas
Priest
Tuesday, Jan 28, 1225
Wednesday, Mar 07, 1274
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Civil Rights Activist
Tuesday, Jan 15, 1929
Thursday, Apr 04, 1968
Marcus Aurelius
Roman Emperor
Saturday, Apr 26, 0121
Friday, Mar 17, 0180
Vincent Van Gogh
Painter
Wednesday, Mar 30, 1853
Tuesday, Jul 29, 1890
Lucy Larcom
Poet
Friday, Mar 05, 1824
Monday, Apr 17, 1893
Steven Wright
Comedian
Tuesday, Dec 06, 1955

View All Authors

Maria Bamford Quotes - Page 2

App & Tools

Related Comedian Authors

Popular Topic Tags

Top Authors

Share This Page

Stay Connected

App & Tools

Related Comedian Authors

Popular Topic Tags

Top Authors

Share This Page