Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
A jest often decides matters of importance more effectively and happily than seriousness.
These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.
I have a very dark sense of humor. I swear. I have a very playful relationship with Jesus.
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
I can't live without a sense of humor. I need to be laughing and entertained at all times.
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
You see, that's another thing that my parents gave me: an enormously great sense of humor.
To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.
Whole phases of comedy have become empty; the comic rejoinder has become every man's tool.
Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
The old cathedrals are good, but the great blue dome that hangs over everything is better.
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor.
Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor.
The function of abundance is not to possess things but to use them and gather experiences.
I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.
Statistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime.
Humor is a very important thing. It is a natural predilection. It is an emotional release.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent person in America are now illegal.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?