Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.
I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.
Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.
Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation
Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.
Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.
If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.
I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.
sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers
I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.
Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.
These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.
The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.
The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.
I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.
Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.
Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'
When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions. It's really cool.
Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.
There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.
I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.
Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!
What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?
The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.
There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.
Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.
I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.
I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.
My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.
The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.
I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.