Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.
Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.
I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.
All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck
Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.
Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.
You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.
I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves
I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.
If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.