Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I still haven't found the humor in getting hit by a cement truck. My knees still hurt when I think about it, so no jokes about that yet.
What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!
To all the revolutionaries fighting to throw off the yoke of tyranny around the world: look at British democracy. Is that what you want?
I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.
I've turned from an ordinary Australian housewife into a gigastar, icon, talk-show host, swami, spin doctor... and now I'm a style guru!
I used to go badger-watching as a boy, and it's brilliant fun - they're incredibly active animals, and the cubs are very funny to watch.
I changed it to Leslie Hill, only that seemed more like a cocktail pianist. Eventually, being an admirer of Jack Benny, I took his name.
Fatherhood made everything more straightforward. I was relieved that no longer did I have to agonise over what meaning I had in my life.
As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... 'The Thing That Shouldn't Be'. 'The Chair That Wasn't There', you know?
In your 50s, time becomes precious and must not be wasted. Every minute is an excellent opportunity for a good nap. Happy 50th birthday!
The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.
Holding on to painful images of the past in order to avoid painful experiences in the future serves only to color the present with pain.
If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.
If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.
You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.
I'm for the death penalty, I'm pro-abortion, I'm pro-assisted suicide, I'm pro-regular suicide. Anything that'll get the traffic moving.
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?
Sarah Palin's whole family got into a drunken public fistfight. Something police are calling a 'tragic case of trash-on-trash violence.'
The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.
Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can't pass a background check support background checks.
It would be kind of a tragedy if we got to the end of four years of Democratic rule without having really tried any Democratic policies.
They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton.
I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.
I just try to do things on stage that I think the audience would enjoy. And I try to draw on and add to acts that I've enjoyed watching.
The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.
Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.
My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.
I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.
My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.
I grew up watching the 'Muppets.' In New Zealand, the 'Muppets' were as big as anywhere else I think. It was a pretty global phenomenon.
The best thing is not to be born. But who is as lucky as that? To whom does it happen? Not to one among millions and millions of people.
I don't think Latino; I think like me. If that happens to be Latino, then I guess that's me. But it doesn't affect my comedy in any way.
You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.
I learned not to confuse 'busy' with 'productive,' but I'm still far too addicted to email to resist its early-morning digital snuggles.
I'm greedy, and I have a house to pay for and a wife. She has a job of her own, but I bleed her dry. She's on her third shift right now.
You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.
Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.
When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.
Dogs are great assets to candidates, and the feeling seems to be engendered that if a dog loves the candidate, he can't be all that bad.
I shouldn't make fun of the blacks: President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke.
Honesty is the most single most important factor having a direct bearing on the final success of an individual, corporation, or product.