Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
We were a very small circle of writers. Everybody brought to the table their own life experience.
You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.
I was a huge 'Blind Date' fan, though, when I was younger; that was on when I was in high school.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!
Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.
How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.
You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
As a comedian I appreciate every kind of comedy. You decide for yourself what you're going to do.
Sometimes I look [ on trolls on Twitter], but even one ignorant comment can make me go, "Oh god."
Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?
I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.
What I try to do, what I attempt to do, is say things that I mean at least at an emotional level.
I was certainly not a class clown; I confused and angered a lot of people with my sense of humor.
I don't hate anybody. My character is one thing, but me as an individual is completely different.
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
I didn't realize the age thing until I got hired and everybody was telling me I was f - -ing old.
What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!
If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.
I think that all bodies are beautiful in millions of different ways but I get down on myself too!
When I told my parents I wanted to be an actor, my mom was, like, I think I heard you say lawyer.
In this film, we took a helicopter up and showed London as a vista, which is not very often done.
I don't necessarily self-identify as a writer, 'cause it implies a certain level of intelligence.
Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.
I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
The biggest problem in America is most people believe poor people are poor because they are lazy.
I believe in fate. I didn't set out to be a comedian at first. I'm still not sure if I am or not.
During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.
A room is like a stage. If you see it without lighting, it can be the coldest place in the world.
Eve said to the serpent, “You know I could go for a bite to eat, but I don't know you from Adam.”
Rip Van Winkle, who said, Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom. Never got a dinner!