Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid.
To me pornography is...spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons.
"Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." ... I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer."
I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more.
Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.'
You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
Who is more irrational, the guy who believes in a God he can't see, or a guy who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?
You can get the best out of people if they're happy and not worried or not frightened that they're going to make a mistake.
When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.
I've gone on in a wheelchair. Another performance I did with no voice - and I had to apologize to the audience and whisper.
Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.
Civilization is hideously fragile and there's not much between us and the horrors underneath, just about a coat of varnish.
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
On tour, it's either call ex-boyfriends or tweet a lot. You're just looking for any proof that you're not completely alone.
My biggest pet peeve is when a girl says, "I'm not into drama." Why are you even mentioning it?! That's dramatic in itself!
I like listening to people talk about things that they love. They get to express things they don't normally get to express.
When comedians get successful, the fans that they have aren't the fans they would hang out with. I don't have that problem.
Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.
Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.
The truth is that God is to be found in all things - even and most especially in the painful, tragic and unpleasant things.
Ricky Gervais would have you believe otherwise, but Sacha Baron Cohen is the most successful British comedian in the world.
We sort of expect to see men in women's clothes. It's part of our culture. The key thing is, it has to be done quite badly.
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.
I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.
I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.
To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it.
So, I'm on the satellite every Sunday, no matter where we are, with the Rams. Turn on the satellite; got to watch the Rams.
There was a time... when people didn't go out of their house on Tuesday night at eight o'clock because Milton Berle was on.
All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can.
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
For someone like me, who loves to sweat and push herself, it's a challenge to slow down, to sit, to breathe and hold poses.
Nobody gets irony anymore, as we are now living in the post-ironic age. Once George Bush gets a library, our irony is dead.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.
We're always hearing about risk-takers whose risks paid off, but they are no braver than those whose risks end in ridicule.
Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.